lessons

I've heard my whole life that we are not become complacent in our thankfulness to God.  That if we just open our eyes to the world around us, we will no doubt see the blessings He has so graciously bestowed upon us.  In hearing these things throughout my life, I have tried and felt that I have worked hard in this area of my life but as in anything, have not and will not perfect this and certainly could be better at it.

I have also been taught...and believe...that even in the midst of trials we are to be thankful to Him.  As many, I have gone through some doozies of trials, most of which I have at some point been able to talk myself through 'feelings' (with reliance on Him for help) and eventually get to that point of being thankful.  But this year has been one of those trials that have proved my faith to be weak.

I thank God constantly for my husband, children, family, friends, health, the material things like our home, clothing, schooling, etc.  And the list goes on and on and on and on.

...But be thankful in the midst of such great disappointment?

...Be thankful when your heart is breaking?

...Be thankful when you feel alone in a room filled with people you thought to be your friends?

How difficult it has been to be thankful that when going through difficulties, those you thought would be there in support, suddenly blend into the scenery with the rest of the opposing world.  That those people are actually fair-weather friends.

Be thankful for that???

Yes.
Be thankful for even that.

Has this been my outlook?  Nope.

I have struggled with it for a long time.  I haven't thanked Him for these situations.
I haven't wanted to.  I have somehow found a twisted sort of pleasure in allowing myself to be upset with these people.
But recently, I have forced myself to utter the words, "Thank for this person and this person."  And it's made all the difference.  After what seems like a life time of thankfuls for this situation, my heart is softening.

Has these situations improved?  Not one bit.

Am I still facing great disappointment?  Yup.
Is my heart still breaking?  Yup.
Do I still feel alone when I am around these people I thought to be my friends?  Definitely.

But do I have a peace in my heart that 'transcends all understanding'?  I most certainly do.

I know I have a long way to go but by only God's great grace and mercy I will one day be on to different struggles.