oh, my heart.

This week in our Church is an incredible week.  It is when we walk through the life of our Savior as He prepared for his crucifixion and death.  It is often referred to as a week of bright sadness.  Sorrowful time because of all that Christ endured.  For us.  But bright because of the glorious day of Resurrection that awaits after a long, dark, trek.  I could really go into depth about this beautiful week but I wanted to write about something that happened to me last night during the service.

From before the moment I entered the service, I was fuming mad.  I could have spit fire.  It doesn't really matter what I was mad about.  But it does matter that I could barely function because of it.  My heart and mind were absolutely consumed by it.  Throughout the entire service, I couldn't focus.  I couldn't do my cross.  I couldn't sing.  I couldn't say the prayers.  But I made myself do my cross.  And sing.  And say the prayers.  Although none of what I did was sincere.  And I found myself silently screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO DO MY CROSS!  I DON'T WANT TO SING!!  I DON'T WANT TO SAY ANY OF THESE STINKIN' PRAYERS!!!  help!"  Even in the nano second that I called out that 'help', I was only half-way sincere.  But it wasn't in that moment that all of the world finally made sense and was again peaceful.  Nope.  I was still in that place of pure anger.

{Now, usually when I get upset, I can talk myself down from that (very) high Plateau of Frustration or Mad-ness (or what I like to call Plateau of Selfishness & Pride - PSP)- I can reason with myself pretty good.  But this time was different.  I was stuck there with both feet in cement blocks.}

So long story a bit shorter: towards the very end of the service, something happened.  After the distribution of the Sacrament, there was a change of tide in my heart.  And I felt it.  It was overwhelming.  It was like a tsunami of love and peace that took me over.
I didn't feel all luvvy-duvvy; it wasn't like that.  But there was a calmness that wasn't there before.  And I thought back to what our Priest said earlier in the service--if you just humble yourself a little bit to God, then He will heal all of your infirmities, even the ones you don't even know about. (obvious paraphrasing)  Well, at least that what I heard and I guess that's all I needed to hear because I did just that.  I knew I needed help, even though I didn't feel like I wanted it.  But I called out to Him, the Great Physician.  And He came to me.  He made me wait a little bit.  But He undoubtably came.  He covered me with his grace and great, great, great mercy.  And He took from me what I couldn't take from myself.

On my way home, I was thinking about this.
Yes, in our Christian life, He commands obedience from us.  He commands our hearts from us.  Our minds.  Our lives.  And the rubrics of that all is essential.  It's essential because if we relied on when we felt like doing our prayers or our cross or dragging our butts to services or......then we would be strangers in the presence of God.  Of course there are times when we 'feel' closer to God than others but for me, my roller coaster has a lot of ups and downs.  And the rubrics of Orthodox Church Life are what keep me alive.  I need the Church.

But also--and equally--is that God doesn't just command these things of us.  He wants them.  He longs for them.  He gave His Son for them.  To be in relationship with us.  He yearns for conversation with us.  He yearns for us know Him in an intimate way, beyond anything earthly we have and will ever know.  He yearns for our mind, our heart, and our lives.  Not just part of them or the times in 'church' but at every moment.

So when I find myself up on that Plateau of Selfishness & Pride (because that's the root of all anger---selfishness and pride) I just need to look at Him, even if it's for a split nano-second and He will come to me.  He loves me that much.  He certainly doesn't force Himself on me but He sits and waits for me every moment I am away from Him.  Patiently.  Tearfully.  And then He pours forth His grace and Mercy when I call out to Him.

My heart strays.
My heart climbs to the top of PSP all too often.
I am so selfish.
I am so prideful.
And I hurt Him.
I make Him cry.
It was me who drove those nails into His hands.
--The hands that are held out to grasp mine.
It was me who drove those nails into His feet.
--The feet that are ready to walk that narrow road for me.
It was me who mercilessly shoved that crown of thorns onto His head.
--The head that wears the eternal crown of Glory.

My heart still forgets, all too easily, that He sits and waits for me to return.  After all of the torture I have and do put Him through, He still waits for me to return.  Because He wants me.  Because He wants to spend eternity with me.

Because He loves me.